Jailhouse Rock

From time to time applicants perplex and astound the senses of the HR Department. So much so that I have started keeping a detailed log of what I call "Applicant-isms" that I am able to call up when having a particularly difficult or harrowing day and read through to lighten my mood. The following story is however too lengthy and contains entirely too many details to limit to a single sentence on my log so I have instead decided to tell the story long hand via blog.
This tale begins with a message left on my voicemail by a gent we'll call "Jay". He stated he was interested in a position, but was having difficulty with the online form. I returned his call and gave him the procedure he would need to follow which starts with completing the online application and the personality survey which he could conveniently do in-house. Not too much time later he strolled in with a girl who had very short hair and was dressed a bit like you might expect to see a man, no judgements, just simply trying to paint a picture. He was dressed in skater shoes, a polo, plaid shorts and had his long hair brushed back in a ponytail. He was covered in tattoos, and happened to have my personal favorite, which is a spiderweb right on the elbow and fans out over the back of ones' tricep and back of forearm. Our receptionist gave them the detailed instructions she communicates with all people who come in to fill out an application, and like all applicants, they both sat down and immediately started asking questions that had already been answered.
Jay- "So is there a log in I need to get in??"
Me - "No, you'll need to create one"
Jay - "Okay well I entered it and it didn't take it"
Me - "No, you haven't, you just put in (random) information in the log-in and password section without ever creating one. See down here where it says 'Fill out an online form'? Click on that.
Jay - "Click where?"
Me - "There" pointing to the bottom of the page
Jay "Where?"
Me - "THERE" gesturing in the same direction, this time a little wildly.
Girl - "Um, excuse me, what do I do at this page where it says 'Log In'?"
ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jay - "Are we bustin' your chops yet Mandy?"
No I'm about to punch myself in the face though, thanks for asking.
Occasionally my co-worker (and friend) and I talk about how trainees and applicants alike tend to want their hands held a bit too much, and don't like to think for themselves. We feel as if they are newborns and liken it to breastfeeding. This was one of those moments for me.
Jay - "Okay it won't submit the form"
Me - "What does it say at the top in red? That will give you the answer as to why it won't go to the next page"
Jay - "Nothing, the computer is just picky"
Me - (Getting up from my desk and unhooking my nursing bra) "Right there at the top it says your password isn't long enough"
Jay - "Sorry Mandy, are we driving you crazy yet?"
ME - "Not yet, but I'll let you know!!" Crazy maniacal laughter bursts out of my mouth.
Roughly twenty minutes later they were prepared for the second portion of the application process which is a word survey that tells us the persons strengths and weaknesses and allows insight on what type of sales person they would make. The lady that looked like Peter Pan was ready first so I explained the process to her and told her when she was finished to let me know and I'd print it. She completed it pretty swiftly and it was Jay's turn next. It was at that very moment as he's chattering to me like a squirrel in my left ear that the web page crashes. Typically a restart will alleviate this so I rebooted and waited the longest 6 minutes of my lifetime boring holes into the blue screen willing it to come up faster while Jay stared at me. I cannot explain to you why but for some reason; and it's not as if he even did anything, but this gentleman gave me the heebie jeebies. At that precise moment he stated, "Oh by the way I just got out of prison for 20 years, just so you know." THERE it is.
I explained that doesn't necessarily disclude you but that we would have to know what the charges were for. He stated it was for a DWI. Now I felt this was strange as that is not normally a charge you would get twenty years for, however it of course depended on what was also charged and how many strikes it was. I notice out of my peripheral vision my boss at the edge of her seat scrutinizing him. I thought nothing of it as I am itching to access the Public Records page to really find out the run down on what actually happened, and can hardly notice anything else. After several clicks of the mouse and impatient sighs emitting from me, the page was still not cooperating so I did the only thing possible that may work, I shamelessly whined for my boss to help me. I scrambled to my desk and immediately called up the records page while she assisted him . Unfortunately she was also unable to coax the web page into submission so she asked him if it was alright if we were to email the test to him and he do it from his home PC. He agreed and she asked me to pull up his application to have that handy once the web page was functioning again, I asked,
"Didn't you say your name was Jay?" He hesitated a minute when my ever clever, very schooled in the ways of the world boss piped up with,
"Yes, but is that your LEGAL name?" Looking squarely in his eyes. He squirmed for a minute while I mentally scratched my naive head wondering what she was getting at when he answered,
"Well my legal name is Julian by I go by Jay". Okay dude, whatever. Then I noticed Marcia giving me a very pointed look, so I figured she wanted me to pull up his application and look visibly like I was doing what was needed. He came as stood next to me while I did this chittering away again and standing uncomfortably close while I did it. I verified his email and finally he left. After grabbing his application I perused the web for a past record and couldn't locate one. Wandering into Marcia's office I informed her of the details on the 20 year incarceration and she was finally able to burst out with the information she had been burning to shout 20 minutes ago.
"I THINK THAT WAS A WOMAN!!"
WWWWHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT??
So looking through his/her application we realized he/she was incarcerated in the city where the women's division was located. She pulled up the inmate records and lo and behold my boss is a pretty smart cookie as we found the picture as well as the numerous charges listed since 1989. Sadly it was a DWI with Manslaughter which is the reason why the time served was so long; well that and bad behavior while locked up. Soliciting of sex acts, narcotics possession, disobeying an order to name just a few that continued to add on to sentence time. As we're looking at this extensive rap sheet Marcia is saying, "I had a feeling, did you see me looking at him/her trying to see her/his legs or arms? (Ahh, that's why she was hanging off her chair) She/he is probably taking hormone pills which gives him/her the deeper voice but I knew there were breasts...."
I have to say, in my defense if someone approaches me dressed like a boy, looks like a boy speaks like a boy, and says their name is 'Jay' well my friends, I take them at face value. I don't go sniffing around to verify. Forgive me my ignorance in not noticing details like breasts and feminine facial features.
Finally scrolling all the way to the bottom of the page were all of her/his AKA's Julliann, Jay, and best of all.......drum roll ladies and gentlemen.............are you ready for this?

AKA; BONER!

Honest to God's truth, you can't make this stuff up. The sound of my boss's laughter echoed in my head while my stunned mouth hung open. Conincidentally this drew the attention of a passing co-worker, who also happens to be the trainer of the new employees, strolled in. After Marcia and I finished telling her the entire tale amongst snorts and giggles she followed it up with,
"Well great, just in time for my upcoming class"

We know how to keep things in perspective.