Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
This morning I was here early to cover for the receptionist and a particularly joyful employee (lets call her Janet, shall we?) walked in
"HIIIIIII MONICA!!!! Oh, you're not Monica" And stood there for a good 5 minutes staring at me with a befuddled expression (whilst swaying), concentrating on turning the wheels to discover in the deep recesses of her prefrontal lobes what my name could be. Finally the brain cells gave up their torrid laboring and she meandered on her way to her workstation. Mind you, I DID do orientation with her and she HAS been employed here for 3 months, but it's understandable as I can easily slip one's mind.
A minute later my boss (lets call her Martha) told me that when the Director of Operations (lets call him Pedro.) came in to please send him in her office ASAP. I did, and continued on with my morning. Soon, Martha came out and stated that there is a cab coming for an employee and for me to keep my eye out. maybe about 10 minutes after, I noticed that the green cab was parked in visitor's parking, so I tippy-toed in to notify Martha as she had requested. Promptly, the supervisor of the Customer Service team (lets refer to him as Atom) exited rather swiftly from Martha's office and leaned on the desk looking forlorn and said pathetically,
"Mandy, I'm a nice guy right? I mean, what have I done to deserve this?"
"What happened Atom?"
"Janet came to work completely drunk. I mean, I had to leave that office because of what is going on in there!" He later stated that her skirt became disengaged and fell off right there in the middle of the meeting and he couldn't bear to stay due to his own embarrassment.
After about 10 minutes Martha walked her out and while Janet was zig and zagging all over the parking lot in very high heeled winter type boots (in 100 degree weather, yes I thought it strange as well) to the cab she did actually make it without falling, or in any additional state of undress. Martha came back in and later amongst a small handful of HR employees proceeded to narrate the incident. The following is her depiction;
"After our little meeting addressing her behavior, I explained to her that a cab was coming to pick her up from work as she was in no state to drive or even take a bus. So when Mandy came in to tell me the cab was here I said 'Okay, time to go Janet!' and as she stood up her wrap-around skirt completely and inadvertently fell off! Atom leaned over absentmindedly; probably not aware it was her skirt, but that maybe it was a sweater or something, and picked it up and handed it to her. Then once the realization hit him what it was he had in his hand, he stood up and vanished from the office. So then, she's trying to stick her foot in like a step in skirt, but it's a wrap around so she's getting her drunk feet all tangled (I can only imagine what it must have looked like to see inebriated Janet attempting to balance on one foot with the skirt belt dangerously snarled around an ankle) so I tell her to give it to me. I yank the belt out of the hole while she's drunkenly informing me 'I made that skirt, I made it myself!' then I wrap it around her. Janet attempted sticking the free end in the threading hole around the waist, but unfortunately her own thumb was covering the entry so she was jamming it into her fingers wondering what the problem was. Meanwhile my phone started ringing and it's the cab driver stating he's here and to hurry up since his meter was running. So I hang up and try to help the struggling Janet (who still hasn't really figured out the schematics of the wrap around with her BAL being at a 2.0) who is sort of fighting me while telling me that she can do it. Finally I grab the ties from her hands and just short of tackling her, say firmly "LET ME DRESS YOU!!!" and wrap that belt so tightly around and tie it in a double knot and push her out the door."
How do you like that folks? The Vice President of HR manhandling the belligerently drunk and dressing them like a toddler. Later, when our HR Generalist (lets call her Leisal) asked Atom,
"What would you have done if she wasn't wearing a slip??" In which Atom replied,
"I would have had to leave the building. Taken a personal day, that just would have been too much for me. I don't know how you guy do this everyday."
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