For any typical red-blooded American the mail is a source of intrigue, excitement or in worst case scenarios, bad news. This is also applicable to the work environment as companies attempting to charm a representative into doing business sometimes send treats or fun memorable trinkets to persuade an employee to evolve into a client. Of course, there are bills to be paid and angry customer notifications but at times it can be rather fulfilling to check one’s wooden labeled inbox for correspondence. Then, there are the instances you really aren’t quite certain what to do with the mail. Letters that arrive with no return address are the first indication that a mail-sorter within an organization should take pause. These types of letters are opened gingerly by designated employee, while subtly wincing with anticipated dread on what can possibly be the contents of the envelope that the particular sender refrained entirely from claiming a return address on their post.
Today my company received such a letter.
Opened by my dear friend and the payroll and benefits employee of 38 generous years with the company, she tentatively slit the envelope open and was silently shocked at the contents. Delivering it to my supervisor the HR Manager immediately , who happened to be standing in the doorway of my office, generated curiosity from anyone within the vicinity at her exclamation of surprise.
“OH MY GOD!!!”
Mouth hanging open she closed the letter, and then fumbled to open it again to verify the contents, then slapped it shut again. Naturally I launched out of my chair demanding to know what causing such an intrigue and random hysterical cracks of laughter from my manager. She asked me,
“Are you sure? Are you ready for this?” Only adding much further eagerness in my desire to rip it out of her hands and feast my eyes on whatever it was that was causing such an uproar.
“Yes! Yes!” I chanted emphatically while bobbing up and down like a Baptist grandmother in a Sunday sermon.
She turned the paper, neatly folded in thirds opening it one section at a time, slowly savoring the moment and the look on my face as the depiction in front of me unfolded.
It was a brunette.
Naked.
Sitting with her knees up and ankles pulled back completely spread eagle with a wondrous pouty look on her face. She may have been biting her finger, but I’m not certain enough to recall. All the parts she was born with were on display on an 8X10 piece of paper printed out and neatly folded into a plain white envelope, stamped and dropped in the mail from some anonymous pervert for HR to envision on Tuesday the 23rd.
My first thought was ‘Goodness, that’s quite a commitment to print that out. I imagine they need a whole new ink cartridge for their printer after this masterpiece was printed because that sharp of an image demanded a considerable amount of mixed blues, reds and yellows.’ However, my first verbalized question was “So, there’s no return address??” I mean…..someone needs to take credit for the brouhaha they've caused in my company’s HR department.
She replied, “Nope, just someone from Indiana gave us quite the entertainment for today. I kinda want to thank them a little for this laugh!”
We all grouped together around the spectacle and giggled like a bunch of 12 year old boys looking at the bra section of the J.C. Penny catalog for a moment. She then disclosed she was terrified it someone playing a cruel joke on me my last day and at first thought the girl in the picture was me. I howled with laughter at that admission, then instructed her to quit looking at all of the fleshy body parts and concentrate on the face because it clearly wasn’t me. She then marveled at why anyone would have that kind of picture of me anyway, and that was clearly a ridiculous thing to think.
Then, she suddenly straightened up as if suddenly a light bulb went off above her head and she quickly turned on her heel and walked out of the HR department, around the corner into the President’s office. I trailed behind her and suddenly heard her approach his desk with the exclamation,
“Hey! I got some fan mail for you!”
There are definitely some people and experiences I will miss when I leave here……….
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