Death by Pantyhose

A man named Allan Gant Sr. invented the pantyhose. In 1959, they were introduced as an all in one garment. In 1965, he invented and introduced a seamless version of them. If he was still alive I would at the very least put a warrant out for his arrest, or plot an assassination attempt involving an angry band of indignant girlfriends I have.
This morning I donned a pair of said torture devices, and was faced to the age-old question. Underwear or no underwear? While I have heard conflicting arguments for the pro side, “What if a strong gust of wind were to flip up your skirt?” or the con, “You gotta’ let it breathe down there!” (Which only makes me envision my vagina with a teeny pair of lungs) I struggle with the right answer. Wikipedia confirms some risks as being a contributing factor in urinary tract infections due to the pressure on the urethra. We women voluntarily pay for this discomfort as well as the gallons of cranberry juice that is soon to follow, burning pee, doctor’s visit, and antibiotic prescription. One of my favorite warnings is that pantyhose trap bacteria and increase temperature in the genital area, (So you get HOT cha-cha) and so can be the proximate cause or a contributing factor in the development of yeast infections (candidiasis) in wearers. For none of you blessed with this epidemic, to give a brief description; you live in misery for the first few days of an oncoming attack which combines the desire of taking a boar hair brush to yourself and also wanting to ice the inferno, until it’s been diagnosed, which treatment then requires 7 days.
Tempting.
In addition, but the warm, moist environment created by nylon pantyhose is also a predictive factor in the development of fungal infections of the skin of susceptible wearers, particularly in the feet, abdomen and genital areas. Preexisting fungal and allergic conditions, including eczema, athlete's foot, hives and rashes are exacerbated by the wearing of pantyhose. Wow. This all sounds so fascinating, let me sum up what I’ve learned today. I can get a yeast infection (or athletes foot; same fungus, different locations), hives, burning pee, dry itchy skin around the waistband (that happens to be tight enough it can only be called a tourniquet) or a pelvic inflammatory disease? Where can I sign up for this catastrophe?
If the health risks aren’t a concern for you, well then let’s be sure to discuss the social calamities that supervene.

1 Elephantiasis /el•e•phan•ti•a•sis/ (el″ĕ-fan-ti´ah-sis) An embarrassing oftentimes shameful display of tugging and yanking that occurs when extreme enlargement of pantyhose is apparent after being worn for a very short amount of time. In extreme chronic cases it may resemble sagging wrinkled skin.

2 Hammer Pants \ha-mər\ /pant-z/ An unfortunate affliction where hose are residing too low upon one’s hips either from being too small or not adjusted properly to begin with which results in sagging between the thighs. This can be perceived when an individual is spotted performing a type of “shimmy dance” or sudden unnecessary lunges down a hallway.

3 Muffin Top /muf′ən/ tŏp A distinct unattractive swelling of flesh rising above the band at the top of the hose, which the average wearer is unable to alleviate due to the constrictive nature of the material. Oftentimes the wearer will pull the device high, just residing under the brassiere, however this soon results in a strange wave-like pattern as well as wedgie.

I am not a bra-burning feminist by nature, I shamelessly enlist on my feminine wiles at times, but I think being a woman is a beautiful thing and important that we stop being uncomfortable in the name of beauty. I enjoy smelling nice with a well thought out perfume, picking out a piece of jewelry I may have handcrafted myself, and the way heels allow my calves to look like a Rockette’s. However, today I have made a promise to the lower portion of my body that I will never again wear a pair of pantyhose in the name of fashion or hiding my leg-flaws.
Folks, I am now going Commando.
For real.